Rewards can be material, but certainly don’t need to be. Attention is a reward, for example. Be it a “great job!” or a pat on the head, we all respond to positive attention. Sometimes it does need to be material, however, for it to be more successful with tougher behaviors. And don’t think you’re spoiling or bribing your child if you use material rewards: just think of it as a happy means to a positive end.

Here are some principles to be aware of to make the shaping of behavior more successful:

The first thing to know is that the more quickly the reward is delivered after the desired behavior, the better the behavior will take hold.

The second thing is that it sticks better if the reward makes logical sense. For example, giving a special dessert after eating vegetables is very clear indicator of cause and effect. Just as the punishment fits the crime, the reward should fit the behavior when possible.

A third and particularly important thing to know is that the desired behavior should be rewarded every time when you are trying to make it a habit. When the behavior becomes second nature, it is best maintained by sporadic, surprise rewards once in awhile.

Also, we used to teach the equal use of reward and consequences. We now that children (or anybody) respond much better to reinforcement than punishment, however. Consequences for misbehavior are still important, of course, because children need to learn that there are repercussions for their actions. But in terms of shaping a behavior, it helps to put more emphasis on the positive. I always suggest aiming for a minimum ration of 4:1 positives to negatives. 

Another thing to be aware of is that learning also takes place in the absence of reinforcement – although it’s not obvious at the time. This is called latent learning. So if you’re trying to shape a behavior with rewards and it doesn’t seem to be catching on, don’t stress. Just drop the rewards for now and keep setting the expectation and modeling and/or teaching the behavior. After awhile try introducing a reward again and see what happens.

We know about latent learning through Tolman’s famous 1932 experiment with rats. Rats ran through a maze for 10 days without reinforcement, making many mistakes. On the 11^th day they were offered a reward at the end, and their successful completion of the maze increased dramatically from there on – with no difference from the rats that had been rewarded from the start. Pretty cool, huh? (And please don’t think I’m comparing your children to rats; I’m just highlighting some basic behavior modification principles

One of the best things you can do when a tantrum starts is to ignore the behavior. This may seem counter-intuitive, but it works because it’s easier to calm down when we don’t have an audience. Sometimes ignoring the tantrum may seem impossible, especially if you’re not at home – but this really can be a very effective way to stop your tantruming child in his tracks. If you are at home, move to another room where he isn’t. Your child will then see that what he is doing is not working.

(In fact, this is the whole idea behind “time-outs”: If you’re familiar with this method of discipline, you may or may not know that they’re not meant as punishment. The term “time-out” really means “time-out from reinforcement”. In other words, it means that when the child is removed from a stressful situation, there are no stimuli to reinforce or maintain his maladaptive behavior.)

If your child has a history of breaking things or trying to hurt herself, be sure to keep an eye on her but don’t let her know you’re watching: you want to make sure your child is safe as she goes through this. If she does start to put herself or anyone else in danger, then you will need to intervene physically. Otherwise hold off.

If your child acts up in a public place, be quick and try to take him somewhere quiet. If he continues to act this way in front of everyone, let him know that certain privileges will be taken away. If the tantrum does not stop, it may be best just to take your child home and let him get the rest he may need.

When the tantrum is finished, make sure to provide lots of positive attention. And make sure your child knows that the attention is for making a good choice; not because she’s had a tantrum. Make a point of providing positive attention as a consistent way of being with your child. Quickly remove the attention when negative behaviors start, and turn it back on just as quickly when the behavior turns positive again.

Also make sure to talk to your child about it (after the incident is completely finished, or course). Tell him how you feel about the way he’s acted. Tell him if it upsets you and why. You may think its silly expressing your feelings to a toddler, but it will help him express his own feelings to you at a later time. You can offer different ideas for managing his emotions next time; and you model appropriate problem-solving skills and the calm resolution of difficult situations.

Last but not least, be creative. You know your child better than anyone else. Try different methods with your child and see which one works best. Remember that they are only toddlers once and that they will eventually grow out of this stage.

1. When you want your child to do something, it’s important to be simple in your requests. Make one request at a time, and ensure that it’s understood. No matter how simple you think it is, don’t take their understanding for granted.

2. Make your request something they feel they can handle. Choose your battles wisely and don’t get them feeling overwhelmed. Children can have lower frustration tolerances than many of us, and they like to feel successful.

3. When they ask “why?”, don’t go into a long explanation. This only sets the stage for a power-struggle. Having said that, though, we all respond better to sound rationales for the requests we’re given. “Because I said so” doesn’t cut it – so give them a reason but keep it short and simple.

4. If you encounter resistance, start by speaking nicely and ask them for their help. Approach the task as a team effort.

5. If they continue to resist, communicate a consequence for not following through with the request. Make the consequence fair and logical, and don’t dwell on it. Communicate it calmly and say it once. Let them make the choice without begging or yelling, and calmly deliver the reward or consequence in response to their choice.

6. Be consistent. Approach your child in the same manner with all of your requests; keeping your voice and body language consistently calm but direct, kind but firm. Communicate and deliver predictable rewards and consequences for their choices.

7. Most importantly, always make sure to reward your child for following through with your requests. Let them feel trusted, and give them lots of praise to make them feel appreciated.

First and foremost, before you leave the house make sure to set the rules. Make sure to only have one or two important rules, and make them very simple and clear – leaving no room for misunderstanding. Be very clear on what the consequence is for not following the rule, and be willing and able to enforce it immediately and 100% of the time. (This is extremely important: the more you make exceptions, the more inconsistent your child’s behavior will be).

And while consequences are important, it’s also important to include a reward for the desired behavior. If you’re in a giving mood, agree to buy them a treat for doing well. But it doesn’t have to be about spending money: you could also reward them by taking a trip to the park on the way home, watching a movie together, or cooking one of their favorite meals, etc. Set this up ahead of time and remind them while you’re in the store.

It also helps to give intermittent rewards throughout; in order to maintain their behavior all the way through instead of taking your chances by waiting until the end. This is as easy as remembering to give a hug and say “thank you” every 10 minutes or so.

(And if you’re buying them a special treat for their behavior; let them pick it out half-way through your trip. That way they have something to look forward to for the first half, and you can threaten to put it back if they misbehave during the second half. Again, don’t be afraid to do this after the first warning, or your threats won’t mean anything on the next trip.)

Depending on their age, you might also want to pack a snack for your child to eat while you are shopping. Some nutritious snacks might include raisins, nuts, grapes, sliced apples, nuts, granola bar, etc. Bringing a snack might also prevent them from asking for food while you are shopping.

Other ideas of items to bring with you could be a book for your child to look at or read. You could bring their favorite blanket or their favorite toy. A pencil and paper could also entertain them. The idea is not to go empty handed. Be prepared so your shopping trip is successful and you don’t end up turning around and going home.

If your child is hungry before you go shopping, make sure you feed them. This will prevent them complaining that they are hungry. If they are tired, have them take a nap beforehand and this will save a ton of stress. The best time to go is when your child has a full tummy and is well rested. 

While you’re shopping, you can play games with your child to make the trip fun. If you are shopping for food, you can play a game of who sees the apples first. You can sing songs about what you are buying, and you can talk about what’s on the packaging. At the end of your shopping trip, let your child give the clerk the items you’re buying. Kids love helping out, and they love to feel important.

And last but certainly not least, keep the trip as short as possible – even if you have to make two trips instead of one. You always want to end your outings on a positive note so that they become consistency rewarding experiences for both of you!

First of all, choose your battles wisely. If you’re debating on going out, look at your child’s current mood. Are they already acting up? If they are having a bad day or acting hyper, you might just want to cancel your plans and make dinner at home.

When you do go out, it can be aggravating and embarrassing when your child can’t sit still and just wants to bang the knives and forks, play with the water jug, and climb under the table. But they do this because they’re bored, or because they just want to explore some place they’ve never been before. And you can’t really blame them for that; so to the extent possible just let them be. They’re probably not as distracting to others as you think they are. And people don’t think you’re a bad parent because your “kids are being kids”.

Having said that, though, it does help to set the stage before you go. Be very clear on what you expect when you go out, and reward the appropriate behavior as soon as possible. And don’t be afraid to use “grandma’s rule”: “There’s a special dessert waiting for you after you eat your dinner and be a good boy”. This isn’t a “bribe”; it’s a bona-fide behavior-modification strategy taught by child psychologists.

Bringing toys is also a good idea. Some of the “kid friendly” restaurants will provide something for the children such as coloring sheets and crayons. The fast food chains usually have kid’s meals that come with a toy. If you are going to a small non-chain restaurant they might not provide anything, so come prepared. Some ideas of things to bring are books, dolls, action figures, coloring books, crayons, paper and hand held games. If you bring the games, make sure you can turn the volume off.

If you’re going out to a popular restaurant, also make sure to see if you can reserve a table. Waiting for a table, then waiting for your meal can bring the mood down and make your outing less enjoyable. Going out to eat should be a special event for your family; make each outing special so that they look forward to going out to eat again. Also keep your visit as short as possible in order to leave on a positive note. Don’t give them the opportunity to get bored and antsy. You can always increase your visits as going out becomes a consistently positive experience.

And last but not least, if you have a picky eater, have a backup plan. Make sure to bring snacks in your purse or diaper bag in case they won’t eat what’s being served at the restaurant. And, again, don’t push the issue: your goal should be to have an enjoyable experience!

1. Use distraction. Distract your child with another toy, or ask him to come and do something with you. You could ask him to help you clean something, play outside, etc., without making a big deal about sharing his toy.

2. Walk away. If your child is playing with another child’s toy and refuses to give it up, pick her up and walk away. This might cause your child to act out, but explain to her that the toy is not hers. Take her to a quiet corner and let her calm down. Explain to her that the toy is important to the other child, just like she has things that she doesn’t like sharing.

3. Nip it in the bud. When you have toddlers playing together, be sure to keep an eye and an ear out. As soon as you see or hear a bad situation about to happen, get in between them and break it up. Show your child something else he can do or play with to distract him. This will save some tears for your child before it happens. This is also something you will want to do if your child is playing nicely and the other child is picking on him. The last thing you want is two upset children.

4. Be proactive. Model sharing behavior by sharing toys with the other children. When your child mimics this behavior, make a big deal of it and have fun with it.